The Avengers Trailer Synopsis – Warning! Contains Spoilers, Sarcasm, Disappointment

Gee, Michael Bay really laid low on the lens flares this time… Did I get the wrong trailer? They’re fighting the Transformers? I did click on the Avengers trailer. Wait..Whedon is directing this. Why does it look like a Transformers film? Seriously, the city street blowing up, the low bass sounds causing doom and gloom…Villain make kaboom. Looks like purple rain…

Oh it’s Loki. Damn, was hoping for Prince. We knew this from the other film, now what…

Oh Noes! Get good guys! Reach into the bag and pull out the wallet marked Bad MotherSHIELDer. (Just remember, The Hoff was once Nick Fury too. Yikes!) Don’t worry. Nick Fury has a plan, and if he were an animal, he’d be all…

Watch as the amazing Tony Stark channels Whedon patter. Or is Stark,the Chosen One? Into each generation, a billionaire genius philanthropist is born, somehow without being an alcoholic…

So it’s more of this…

And less of this…

Hungover, eating donuts, wearing robot parts. If only we could blend the two…

Grumpy Cap is grumpy, because new Cap is grumpy and not morale boosting. Probably can’t get banana flavored super soldier serum at the local VA.  You think regular veterans have problems getting benefits? How about one that can’t prove who he is? (Just wait till he hears that he has to buy his own adamantium shield.)

Ooooh inevitable Team Drama in a room with a round table! What could that remind you of? (Please don’t let that be Rick Jones in the background…) Besides the inevitable, We’ve brought you here because you need to fight ORRR We’ve brought you here because you didn’t fight as a team and we’ve had our butts handed to us.

Wait! More posing and battle clips to the Inevitable Rock Song soundtrack tie in. We haven’t seen that before in a trailer. (If you want to make it world shaking wagnerian scale… use operatic. Seriously, this dude did.)

Sad, no spy intrigue or black ops for Black Widow just spandex, butt shots, and acrobatics… Did the KGB have an olympic fanservice division? It would explain EVERYTHING.

Hawkeye = Spear Holder, This is my bow! I have no speaking role, despite having some of the best lines out of the entire print run of Avengers. Come on! He went deaf once and was on Letterman!

(Still have that issue in a box somewhere. And I think that was Letterman’s actual hair … it’s a great issue!)

Thor – Cosmic Man Candy. Laughs, swings hammer. Looks intense, swings hammer.  It’s like a phallic perfume ad. Look above, think operatic singing. See? Right there. Perfume ad for  Mjolnir, the scent of Victory.

Oooh inevitable tense dialog for When Things Go Wrong, also Explains Team Name.

Flashy lens flare logo which will be branded down to the molecular level on all merchandising goes here…

Then the inevitable dash of humour  along with the now cliche trailer ending with a Very Loud Sound at end. (At least it wasn’t an explosion or something flying out of the screen for 3d effect… guh.)

If you didn’t notice it, there was way too much Hollywood on the trailer. Seriously. Take the themes from and apply Avengers stickers onto them, and that’s what you get.

How about something with a little more? Why did Iron Man 1 work, and Iron Man 2 didn’t? Character development. Why did Fantastic 4 #1 work, and #2 didn’t? Character development.

Team books sell. Team movies sell. From what I’ve seen here, it looks more like sell-out. I hope I’m wrong. But if the movie plays out like the trailer… I hate to say it, but might have to wait for the remake. What? Why? It took 4 Batman movies before Chris Nolan got it right.  Think about it. And I do hope that I’m wrong about all of this, and that the Avengers movie will be amazingly good.

Frankly I was more entertained by this retro Avengers trailer.


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