Day 82 – Rough Start

So, as of Monday, no more patch. The only nicotine like substance I am currently have is the dopamine my body naturally creates.

It is nice to be free of that patch, one less thing I have to remember or be dependant on, especially first thing in the morning… if you don’t know by now, I am not nor will I ever be a morning person.

As far as I’m concerned
– The worm should have stayed in bed
– Waking someone up unecessarily is justifiable means for homicide
– It will only be a good morning until 11:55am upon which it will be time for lunch.

Anyways, since monday, I have noticed that my right shoulder has been aching more, lower back feels tight, and I could probably break diamonds on my shoulders. All these aches and pains are telling me something… I was medicating myself with nicotine as a painkiller, not enough to totally mask the pain, but enough for me to make it go away.

And had an argument with the wife, it was a doozy. She finally got on my case about not going to the doctor. I reminded her that she forgot what she was going to promise me she would do when I would quit smoking. She still has fears that I will get cancer, as one of our friends was diagnosed with lung cancer earlier this year. He had been smoking for twice as long as I did and twice as much per day. I will wait for her to remember, but this really and absolutely confirms a few things.

I quit smoking for myself.

Some people prefer to live in fear, and nothing I do will change their minds.

(Insert segue here)

Rest of the week went smooth, I had my review at the job, they confirmed a lot for me as to where I am and how my job is going. There was nothing but praise for my efforts, and they handed me my job description for me to update. One page description got expanded to three. And if they ask me to cut any of the stuff out… I will refer to the people who I was training that were supposed to take over my responsibilities.

At this point you are probably going, huh?

Come with me and lets examine this nutshell. Doing job, got transferred over to an assembly job, train people to do former job while in assembly (which is more of a demotion, but they needed the people) … then get a split job between doing former job part time and assembly job part time, then back totally into former job… and more responsibilities of the same nature got thrown onto my plate as other people did not have time to do them.

So what’s the problem?

My contract was not updated. I was doing my former job for about 8 months, and still on my contract and paycheque the job title of ‘Assembler’ was still there.

So, once I get my new job description and pay rate, I’ll be making some more decisions. Stay with the current company which has larger mismanagement issues, or quit the job and find something else to go with. I don’t have to worry about the lack of jobs in my current environment. In fact, I could push a broom for 3 bucks more an hour.

There has been a lot of anti-propaganda that has been subtly filtered down from higher management on this as well. As in what kind of company would you prefer to work for… as far as I’m concerned if this is the way a third year employee is treated, I’m quite sure there are better employers I could be working for.

Then again, there are days where I could imagine myself working for myself. Entrepreneurialism! My biggest fear is that anything that I would do would not sell and I’d end up further behind with loans and the like. Had I an actual financial cushion, then it would be alright.

And as for the job interviews… I am reminded of the late great Mitch Hedburg.
“Where do you imagine yourself in 5 years?”
“Celebrating the five year anniversary of you asking me that question.”

And finally for this blog posting, I had my first smoking dream.

It was so vividly real, I was a passenger in a vehicle, I don’t even remember who was driving or where we were going, and in my head I thought ‘Fuck it.’ I automatically had guilt after one puff which somehow sucked back half of the cigarette.

There was that feeling of guilt throughout the rest of the dream, making deliveries for something or other.

But upon waking up, I still had some of that guilt, and then I realized.

It was just a dream.

Is this my unconcious mind trying to work out these things for me? Replacing in my head a source of painkiller to deal with all the stresses of the week? Or am I on my way to becoming a non-smoker… instead of an ex-smoker?

Frankly, in my opinion the dream is a larger milestone than any number that my meter is recording. If I can change my unconcious desires and hungers, then I will be on my way to being nothing related to smoking, as opposed to being a non-smoker/ex-smoker. Then again, I really don’t like labels, and have always been considered ‘slightly weird’, I can live with that, as my paycheque is not even anywhere near being ‘eccentric’.

I’m still here,

I have been quit for 2 Months, 3 Weeks, 4 hours, 19 minutes and 17 seconds (82 days). I have saved $433.90 by not smoking 986 cigarettes. I have saved 3 Days, 10 hours and 10 minutes of my life. My Quit Date: 8/6/2007 9:20 AM.

Tomorrow will be 1000 cigarettes not smoked.

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