Source: Why Nobody Likes to Come Alone
A dream visited me last night
The houses of my imagination were flying in the tornados of logic committees.
The warm air was filled with grandma’s cardigan sleeve tissues and crumpled wrappers of juicy fruit the taste is going to move you at the speed of light, hand signed Einstein historical chalkboards
Covered in formulae of regrets, and a side note to research the forgotten art of cleaning chalkboard erasers that were potentially filled with thousands of hours of mistakes.
The flamingos momentarily saved me from the anvils of guilt
Because dream logic
A dream came and left me last night
empty coffee mugs, leaky pens, half finished journals next to empty ramen bowls.
The pixies had learned my computer passwords, and ordered self help books on overcoming procrastination, but got the delivery address wrong
I didn’t have enough time to cancel the order, the package was on a priority vector.
I called it a chewing rubber gum match, and the laws of physics were blue pencil edited
Nothing could break, so my heart was weightless and hovering over a fibbonaci spiral gravity well being
the matter was only in time, the space was nothing more than stillness and waiting without moments.
A dream left a to do list for me
I thought that was rather rude, seeing how I had the grill heated up, avacados charred parallel to the juicy steaks, and I even bought the Dreams favorite beer.
I won’t drink that brand
It always left a longing taste for something else on my spirited pallette.
I’m sure that we did talk about this one day off from anxiety and depression for months now, our usual meeting place
at the corner of daydream and wishful thinking.
The Dream put feet up on coffee table, and picked up the latest draft of the nine worlds that live in my imagination, and said, How does it End?
I replied back, Just like the Theater, it’s a mystery, we just have to wait to find out. Besides, Epiphanies are Personal Apocalypsyes
Rude to long term plans, inconsiderate
Both have momentum and tend to cop out with their own justifications.
I can’t just do it like the time travelling Mystery authors back(work)wards from How it was done. It’s really hard to write consensual polyamourous romantic comedies, without writing tragic hetero-mono-chromatic comic cookie cutter characters that don’t communicate.
Which brings us to the source of comedy, is other peoples conflict.
Terror Schadenfraude is so last season and political, it is overdone.
Somewhere, there is a grease fire of procrastination burning, and the guilt is grilling me.
There is no amount of aloe vera cadabra or hello it’s me again to stop writing ideas
Untold stories turning into black charred leaves scattering to the Four winds.
The Dream left me, with a dirty grill and broken empties to clean up.
A Dream sexted me last night, poorly.
Hot breath, and hands that caressed firm and then softly across arched backs and hips, a symphony of pleasure was playing out in the Australian Opera House, because dream logic. Spray painted in glitter gold letters three stories high
ALL OF THIS IS REAL
signed the Dreaming and the Great Outback.
(Not the steakhouse, or a 50’s rock band, because there was more important things held onto a stake tied down to the outbackyard.)
There was a pre-recorded message from a Rainbow Serpent
with directions to You Are Here, This is Now.
But there was no map quest place to go back
To get close to that moment where everyone was singing in the key of O.
I couldn’t sing
Like I said, a dream sexted me last night. Poorly.
I visited a book today, labelled Dream
By my own hand, the weirding index had chapters
Travel, Write, Laugh, Perform, Lift People Up, Tell Stories.
But today and most days
That book was too heavy to hold, because there are too many other books on top of it
Books labelled Anxiety, Procrastination, Guilt, Unreal Expectation, Perfectionism, Creative Distraction
And a battered, earmarked chapbook titled, ‘It’s really amazing how much wisdom resembles just being too damn tired’.
So I left my personal baggage library, sat outside in the sun, legs crossed, hands on knees, chin up. And tried to still the storms in my mind, ease the spiritual bruises and ache in my heart, step aside from the Dream, and let the tightness out
One breath at a time
And try to get some better sleep
Midnight walking the dog last night, listening to electroswing/lounge groove. The music lets my creative chorus in my head calm down, the walking gets some underlying nervous energy tempered. With flashlight and empty dog poop bag in hand, saw some movement ahead, may have been neighbourhood cat. But, cat does not lope slowly.
A big brown eye turned with ears straight up, jackrabbit paused on the boulevard, chubby, and showing a greying chest, getting more white hair. I could identify.
Barry (aka Chauncy Cruddington the Baron of Puppington) was oblivious, checking his pee-mail on the trees.
Not trying to bodyshame said hare, but that was a pure white tail. A fashion statement that screamed that the fall season will be brutally short. Already getting rid of autumn colours for protection against the big deep cold.
I already miss summer because I have not taken enough time to just sit on the riverside or beach and ground myself in sunshine.
With ears down, huddled on the boulevard, I thought I heard jackrabbit snore.
We kept walking, getting things done.
Fear crept in, dressed like a norm, trying to fit in
But everyone noticed
I hadn’t even thought about that in quite a long time, thought I had dealt with it, moved on and myself, others and life had
But my past self, Fear had dramatically upset the flow. But this time, the (I being present) not the focus.
Fear stinks of desperation and after a while, you don’t notice your own scent. Or own habits that automatically smother yourself in Fear perfume every morning. Good thing that I broke my nose, and relearned what it is to breathe uninhibited, without Fear. Stop, smell the roses, appreciate and be grateful that life is around me and I can thank the moment of being, without fear.
And I thank Fear, for reminding me, of what example I should not become, and how not to bleed others into deep selfish places like picking a scab with a poison jagged claw. Even tolerated in small doses, it’s deep damage can be seen in others, and not just my own skin. Slowly, drip by drip, tear drop by tear drop, infecting, spreading poisonous attitude. I’ve drained that wound, and paid just enough attention to heal the surrounding tissue, till it is all nicely healthy.
Fear has shown me how to walk shoulder to shoulder, and lead with shared smiles, and be lead by those who want everyone to do better. Because we all do better, when we do.
You learn a lot from travelling. Fear is holding yourself and others around you in one place. Fear is the anchors of guilt, and not thinking of any good plans for the future. But I’ve made plans and my feet are moving and hustling. My vehicle is gassed up, engine warmed up, ready to cast off burn rubber and take flight. I thank Fear for direction to a better path to become better.
In the light of love and uplifting others first, there is no fear, only direction to better places. And when I stop, I will become a better place for people to visit with, recharge their spirit, and share the wondrous sounds of laughter and story and dance.
Will this defeat Fear? No. Fear will always be there. Just get into better habit of ignoring that which is holding us back, and go on to better and bigger things.
And leave places better, happier, and full of warmth in each and everyone that I meet.
is what the universe will bring into a state inside of you.
Happiness is a state of mind only which you are responsible for.
You are responsible for the universe
But it should be, and because anything that scary, you should focus your attention to it. And do it.
Resistance is selfish
Resistance is not ignorance of the obvious, it’s blind rejection.
Is there a problem with the universe? Or what is inside of you?
But where does it stop? The universe and you?
Before words, there was no difference.
So why let a label get in the way of being more?
So be gentle with yourself, just be. Be gentle enough to let that be brought back to you.
Need more proof?
The one end result of EVERYTHING
that everyone will remember
that everyone will base their own thoughts and opinions of
that one end result is nothing more than
the feeling and state that you leave them in
So please, leave everything better than when you found it.
December meeting notes – LYL
I was really rambly at the meeting, and that I apologize to my other LYL members. So this is a good concentrated list of what I should have prepared.
Previously on LYL
As I missed the October meeting, and November, what happened? A lot of work towards the latest burlesque show Dirty Birds, Dirty Words – Erotic Poetry Burlesque show. Went to Burlycon, improved on my art dramatically as well as centered myself more, spiritually and creatively.
So…. on with the list of things I did/didn’t do.
September Goals – Live Art
1 – Building – Sept.17 and 18th Burlesque show! – DONE – Also got November show in as well!
2 Need Help with – Costumes for personal performance(s) – DONE! Thanks to Laura!
3 Next Step is To – Rehearse, Rehearse, Rehearse, make list of everything, double check it, apply magic wizard beard powers. DONE – should have rehearsed more, but that’s a past regret. Must rehearse numbers over and over.
1- Building – Nov.27 and 28th AND February Burlesque Show! 1/2 DONE November done, planning with Group for February.
2 Need Help with – Look into this after September show. But keep on LYL list to do. Asked for help, got it done.
3 Next Step is To – Confirm performer availability, TIP, Calgary/Edmonton/Vancouver/Victoria and other Poet/Burlesque DONE
September Goals – Words / Manuscripts / Novels
1 – Building – Query Letters for Manuscripts : 1 down, 1 to go #AmWriting #MSWL DONE
2A – Need Help with – Beta Readers need to get their reading done by end of September. 1/2 DONE
2B – Sourcing potential agents through #mswl on twitter https://querytracker.net/ AND from other people who are looking for the same resources. Still working on this
3 – Next Step is To – Finish other Query Letter/Pitch, finalize hand edits on paper, plan redraft options and schedule, schedule, schedule. Keep writing in all those little 5 minute open time, like when you’re on a webpage making lists… that’s writing, right? Still working on this
September Goals – Health
1 Building – Simple Yoga stretching Routine, include Yin, meditation, breathing, more walking. Still working on this
2 Need Help with – Schedule routine, and developing own series of stretches, Still working on this
3 Next Step is To – Check Yoga membership price, see if volunteer for karma classes/Voiceover Still working on this
September Goals – Mental
1 Building – Journaling, need to do a daily pages/journal. Meditation. Still working on this, more done in November
2 Need Help with – Keeping up a daily habit of Journaling just all the random thoughts to clear head, so current mood is not affecting projects/characters in story. Taking time to set aside all the other things, stretch, and write. Still working on this
3 Next Step is to – Pick a random empty journal, and start using it. Get really good pen. 1/2 DONE, journal good helped out a lot in Seattle and other thoughts, sourcing favorite pen
aka What’s up December?
1- What am I Building
Financial * Personal Business – plan and pitch to better brains – aka will this idea fly? Is it feasible? Will the Market have a need for my skills/talent?
Health * Yoga Practice every other day, Dental / Annual Physical, doing more walking and getting into nature more. (Great timing to figure this out, winter on the prairies, sheesh)
Study * IT skills, Story Tellers Index
Mental / Spiritual * Mediation/Journalling, more time doing that
Personal * Spend more time with loved ones
2- What do I Need Help With
Graphic Designer / Logo / Web interface * Need cheap and good, not fast
Business Plans to be built – need template
Yoga need to be scheduled/budgeted – Hot Yoga on 20th? Ground Yoga? One Yoga? Who has best karma classes/time for more classes.
Study – What’s the next IT skill I need? Also need access to more storytellers and their skills to learn.
3 – What is the Next step
ASK for HELP – See any of the above in Need Help, If you see info, please forward that to me.
Schedule the THINGS – Life / Work / Rehearsal / Voiceover / Study
Get Things Done
Get Business Name Registered – Online, one step, can be done.
Mid life unbalance? Or just finally finding ways how to find that balance?Or am I just enjoying life, because I am allowing myself to.
Big questions? Probably. But when the questions get in the way of joy, then I’m being too afraid of finding that happiness.
So, as I’ve just read, Screw Finding Your Passion because “If you’re passionate about something, it will already feel like such an ingrained part of your life that you will have to be reminded by people that it’s not normal, that other people aren’t like that.”
So I geek out over a whole lot of things. Writing Fiction, storytelling, games – Check. Yoga – Check. Acro-Yoga – surprising check. Voiceovers – old school Check. Theater, Acting, special effects and Event things – another surprising Check. Burlesque – yep became a grandfather first and then embraced taking my clothes off for theatrical theater – a really fun Check. Technology, gadgets are a fun check.
And if I find other fun things to do. Hey, that’s another thing to do, and embracing it and other things happily.
But in the meantime,
Keeping Calm, and Carrying on
Breathing Deep and Letting Go
Get Excited and Make Things
Rain on the still pond. The ripples bump into each other, cascade and cacaphonate. Patterns emerge, simultaneous droplets rise up from the impact. Everything has a place.
A giant splash from above, pouring from one source. Something above was holding it back, and then spewed it forth, dirty with dead bark and moss.
Am I the rain droplet? or the downpour? the pond?
I should embrace being water, as the great Bruce Lee stated, Water becomes the shape of what is holding it. The sky and droplets, a stagnant brackish pool held in a mouldy bird nest holding bones and dreams of flight, the waves of the pond.
Or should I embrace becoming the ripple. Movement into something new.
Humbly, I find myself asking myself this. What must I remove from my own actions, to be more genuine, more present, more honest with myself. These questions and roadblocks on my own journey came up during my 30 day yoga challenge. I couldn’t get deeper into the positions, until I had some serious conversations with myself. The irony of this self evaluation is that it is examination of the ego, which can become addictive. There is a good reason why there are so many self-help books out there.
First, making mistakes. I accept these as part of my self improvement. There is no perfect method. This is why yoga embraces the phrasing, yoga practice. Being humble enough to recognize that there is no perfection, and our imperfections are what makes things great. Neil Gaiman stated in a graduate commencement speech, “make beautiful mistakes”. If hesitation is a sin, then regret is a painful pennance which cannot be avoided.
Second, are my actions helpful only to myself? Or to just others? There are certain parts of self-care, which directly impact the way how I am, how I interact, flow, bounce and ripple with everything around me. If I go into this self-care with the attitude of how I cannot help others first, until I help myself, I can help my own self help process become better. Have I checked in first, and asked will this help? This should be the only hesitation, but over time, I will not have to check, as I will instinctively know, which will be better. One can hope, one can learn.
No one will want to remember the feeling that the exclusive diva will leave behind. Selfish self interest does not help the immediate environment and does not create a positive space. Any actions from the egocentric only introduce gaps, and any reactions from team-centric must work doubly hard to help bring up the rest of the team. Celebrating a Me Monster never lasts in the long term. They won’t get the flow of other people in the long run, and are constantly looking for new people in their lives. They burn short and quick, because no one wants to deal with them. We set them aside into a place where they can’t hurt or negatively bring us down. For our own safety. They isolate themselves, and already have done so long ago, they have not been shown a different way of making actions. And it will take a lot of humility, and self-aware self-help actions to even begin to start removing those same patterns from their lives.
Our best present we can give someone is the feeling that we leave with each other. Our audience, fellow performers, with our customers, our readers, our family and friends everyday. Positive energy only increases as it is focused on.
And we will be known by that feeling.
That is not just our reputation. It is a living legacy these ripples that we leave in our wake.
I’m still here,